#0 - May 29, 2010, 4:09 p.m.
Thursday morning between the hours of 2am and 2pm, my beautiful, wonderful druid "Cartoon" was violated. I logged in and hit the hotkey to open all bags, and only one opened. I was all like "wtf my keybinds are jacked up". Then I opened my character window. Then checked my bank.
A horrifying sensation came over me. I can only liken it to when Mr. Smith in The Matrix tried to copy himself over neo. It was like, cold and scary and stuff. My heart rate increased to something around 180 bpm. I've decided to name that moment in history, at 2:32 PM on Thursday, May 27, "Zero Hour".
I hastily opened a ticket with as much panic, horror, and terror as I was able to put into english. A symphony of emotes barely scratched the surface of my current crisis state.
5 minutes later I got a survey asking how the customer service was. I replied by saying I had no idea what just happened, but that I'd been hacked.
After spending the 80 silver they left me for a fishing pole and some bright baubles, it occurred to me that I had mail, which is odd, because I'm a social pariah.
The mail said something about "we're looking into it". What I needed it to say was something more like "We've made Obama aware of the situation, and he has diverted his attention from the oil crisis to this unholy violation of your internet ego". Alas, Blizzard remained reserved in their assurances.
I logged into my battle.net account and changed my password, carefully writing it down and typing it like 20 times to make sure it was correct as written. I scanned for virus' and restarted my machine - and was suddenly unable to login ingame or onto the battle.net account.
I've been punched in the face before. It sucked. This was like, 100 punches in the face by that sumo character in Street Fighter. It was all palms to the face and scary fat people. Now I know what it was like to have gone through the Holocaust. I put on a black and white striped shirt and started praying in Hebrew to gain some perspective on the situation. As it turns out, Hebrew is nothing like english, so I just kept saying "chair" over and over (it sounds like kee-say). My apartment was devoid of anything resembling a yamica, so I was forced to improvise with a slice of baloney. It was the single most terrifying experience of my life.
With the help of drugs and alcohol, I've managed to keep the screaming and cutting to a minimum. 74 hours since the event, I've reached an almost zen-like state of waiting. I've been drawing yin-yang symbols in refrigerator magnets all day. It has been rather profound.
Blizzard, please redeem me from this Hellish existence. I bought an authenticator and I promise it won't happen again. I prostrate myself before thy infinite awesomeness and lavish thee with what I hope to be ingratiating language.
Love,
Cartoon
p.s. I don't know why I can still login to the forums, but I am interpreting it as divine intervention.
